Thursday, April 15, 2010

Rules for driving in SA

Since we are nearing the world cup... we should give tourists tips
about travelling on our roads....

RULES FOR DRIVING IN SOUTH AFRICA
1. Never indicate - this will give away your next move. A real south
African driver never uses them.  If you do, then the person in front
of whom you are going to move, and has been hanging back for the last
three kilometres, will speed up and block you.  This is particularly
prevelant if the vehicle being driven is a BMW, a SUV, or an over
priced French car.

2. Under no circumstance should you leave a safe following distance of
two seconds between you and the car in front of you.  If you do, this
space will be filled by at least two taxis, four BMW's, an Audi, a
courier vehicle, five construction vehicles and a three ton delivery
truck from one of the major food chains, putting you in an even more
dangerous situation.

3. The faster you drive through a red light, the smaller the chance
you have of getting hit. This is particularly true of the east Rand
where the Metro Police - the supposed enforcers of the road traffic
laws, are either too drunk or too corrupt to do anything.  You'll be
quite safe jumping almost any red light in the Ekhuruleni district of
the Greater Johannesburg.  In the unlikely event of actually getting
caught, a bribe of R50 will usually get you off scot-free.

4. Never, ever come to a complete stop at a stop sign. No one expects
it and it will only result in you being rear-ended.  In fact, as per
rule number 3, the faster you get through a stop sign intersection,
the quicker you can get on in your journey.

5. Braking is to be done as hard and late as possible to ensure that
your ABS kicks in, giving you a nice, relaxing foot massage as the
brake pedal pulsates. For those of you without ABS, it's a chance to
stretch your legs.  Furthermore, for maximum effect, this should be
done at 120kmph in an 80kmph zone on any highway.  This will ensure
that no-one else will be able to use that stretch of highway for the
next four hours while the emergency services clean up the mess you've
left behind.

6. Never pass on the right when you can pass on the left. It's a good
way to check if the people entering the highway are awake.
Furthermore, it will "teach that guy a lesson for driving at the speed
limit in the middle lane".  The emergency lane is just another traffic
lane.

7. Speed limits are arbitrary figures, given only as a guideline. They
are especially not applicable in South Africa during rush hour. That's
why it's called 'rush hour....'.

8. Just because you're in the right lane and have no room to speed up
or move over doesn't mean that a South African driver flashing his
high beams behind you doesn't think he can go faster in your spot.
This is typical of the types of drivers as mentioned in rule number 2.

9. Always slow down and rubberneck when you see an accident or even
someone changing a tyre. Never stop to help - you will be mugged.

10. Learn to swerve abruptly. South Africa is the home of the
high-speed slalom driving thanks to the government, which puts holes
in key locations to test drivers' reflexes and keeps them on their
toes.

11. It is traditional to honk your horn at cars that don't move the
instant the light turns green. This prevents storks from building
nests on top of the traffic light and birds from making deposits on
your car.  The definition of a nanosecond is the time it takes to
elapse between the moment that the light changes to green and the time
it takes for the driver behind you to honk.

12. It is vitally important for the front cars at the red light to
creep into the intersection in a race of slowness to get ahead of the
other person doing the same.  This usually results in the two cars
finally stopping halfway across the intersection, not being able
either forwards for the traffic crossing the intersection, nor
backwards for the press of cars behind them doing the same.  Once the
light changes to green, they must proceed forwards at a pace easily
overtaken by a cripple in a wheel chair.

13. Remember that the goal of every South African driver is to get
there first, by whatever means necessary.

14. On average, at least three cars can still go through an
intersection after the light has turned red. It's people not adhering
to this basic principle that causes the big traffic jams during rush
hour.



Now guys go out there today and make South Africa proud!!!
M

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