1: Don't swim in the ocean.
Ninety-nine percent of all shark attacks take place in exceptionally
large bodies of water also known as oceans.
The way to determine if you are currently in an ocean is to taste the
water, which should be salty.
2: Listen out for the music.
In the event that you are foolish enough to swim in an ocean, listen
carefully for the music, as demonstrated in the marvelous documentary
film Jaws. All shark attacks are preceded by the "daah-da, daah-da"
chords, which will gradually become more rapid as the shark gets
This is due to the Doppler Effect.
3: Swim with fat people.
Try to surround yourself with more appetizing companions.
If you know them well, you might even try to switch their suntan
with Spur Steak Sauce. This will definitely improve your odds.
4: Don't go into the water without a knife.
This is not to defend yourself but to stab the person (a.k.a the
closest to you in the case of a shark attack. Once you are sure the
"decoy" is bleeding profusely.....swim for your freekin life.
5: Don't panic.
In the event that a shark actually bites you, try to remain calm. This
really won't help you survive, but everyone else on the beach will
appreciate you not shrieking madly, as this is quite unsettling
Hope this helps.